so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
