I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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