There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
