we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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