So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Your penis caused this!
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