You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
