It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
