someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
