WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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