She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
