apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize