my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
