We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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