my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
