I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
