I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
