I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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