do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
