im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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