if you like me you must not know who I am
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
