we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
