My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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