I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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