The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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