dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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