I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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