We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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