Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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