I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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