i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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