He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
