Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
