I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
