tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
