if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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