I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
