Where did you get a picture of my penis
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
