Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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