So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
