whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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