considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
