Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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