my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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