2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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