he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
