im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
