I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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