i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
