Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize