The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
