Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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