is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
