everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
