I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
