I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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