Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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