ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
