Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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