I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
