im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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