I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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