that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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