You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
