Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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