if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
