Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
