We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
