a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
